I don’t think I’m a good fit for the boys’ out-of-town soccer tournaments. I’m not sure that I’m equipped for that level and type of stress.
Mike has always handled these away trips, and so Riley’s tournament in Richmond this weekend was my first. Mike seemed surprised when I volunteered for this trip, but I was adamant: I felt as if I was missing out on something, and so I would be taking the boys to the Richmond tournament.
Ima tell ya why I won’t be doing this again.
1. Hotels often have balconies. This one did. The first four floors sported balconies overlooking the lobby (why? WHY?). Does picking up your teammates and acting as if you are going to throw them four floors to their death ever get old? No! In fact it gets better each time someone does it, because each successive attempt is that much more out of control; that much more fueled by rising adrenaline and unbridled testosterone. It is an awesome, awesome game, blogosphere, and you missed it.
“Guys! Stop! Please!” I’d say.
“Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!” The thirteen-year-olds would say.
2. They go out, and they can’t get back in. Because all the team’s rooms were clustered together, there was a great need to go in and out of our room. In and out. In and out. But the IN part was difficult because my boys had lost two keys and demagnetized a third by Saturday morning, and I was not handing over the last key.
Every time I’d hear the door click shut, I’d hold my breath, waiting for it….. Two minutes later: Bang, bang, bang, bang.
“Mom! It’s me! Mom! Mom! Can you let me in? Mom! Mom!”
And then, a chorus of:
“Dude! Your Mom locked you out!”
“Aw, man, Riley’s Mom locked him out!”
“Your Mom hates you because you suck!”
I’d open the door to a sea of disappointed thirteen year old faces (it was much better when Riley’s Mom had locked him out because he sucked), only to have Riley grab his cell phone and head back out for another five minutes.
3. “Hotel Tag” in the parking lot after dark is not a good game.
4. Hotels have hallways, and soccer players have balls. Lots and lots of balls.
5. Eating in public with a team of thirteen year old boys is a stressful thing. The spitball fight. The cup of team-concocted “soup,” passed around with dares to drink it. The way they kept putting the “soup” in front of me, because the way Ms. Stein gagged was hysterical. The sneaking off to the bathroom to dump the “soup” in the toilet. The cup that went into the toilet. The young, pregnant waitress who looked with terror upon her future by the time we left.
We left her an enormous tip, but really, is there any tip big enough to compensate for the soccer team-induced, pre-partum disillusionment in parenthood which she must be feeling? No. No, there isn’t.
6. Hotels have hair dryers. I don’t understand this: every drip of water on Matt’s body or clothing called for the use of the built-in hair dryer in the bathroom. I’d never before realized how wet Matt must perpetually be.
Having just fallen asleep, I awoke at 10 o’clock to “ZZZHHHHHH!!!”
“Honey, what are you doing?” I asked.
“I had a wet spot on my sleeve. I dried it.” Said Matt.
And the next morning, “honey what are you doing?”
“I’m just warming up my clothes in case they’re wet.” Said Matt.
“Well…..are they wet?”
“I don’t think so.” Said Matt.
7. Driving with a car full of thirteen-year olds is challenging. Especially when they sing this song to each other, whilst rubbing each other’s heads.
After that, they needed to sing it to inanimate objects. “Soft shin guard, warm shin guard….”
Most challenging was when they decided to sing it to me, while trying to rub my head. “Soft Ms. Stein, warm Ms. Stein, little ball of fur……”
I feel their behavior was why I kept getting lost.