Dirty laundry

8 thoughts on “Dirty laundry”

  1. You have expressed yourself and your pain and frustration well. I wish the people you wanted to hear you would hear you. Oof, the things you describe remind me so much of my father. It’s crazy the way your mother reacts, and I absolutely relate to when you say that you can’t imagine responding to your own boys that way. Your inner battle and your ways of dealing with it show me how strong you are. I hope you’ve noticed that about yourself: you are strong. Make yourself a priority. Keep writing. ❤

    1. I don’t know how else to get it out of me, you know? Regarding your dad and NPD, if you read up on the behaviors it’s almost a relief when you can identify all the different words and actions that have confused and hurt you for so long. A hallmark of narcissism is telling the victim that everything awful bit of treatment comes back to a deficiency in them, and it’s hard not to believe that after a while.

      1. I’ve been thinking about what you said for days. Anytime I confronted my dad, telling him that his words or behavior were hurtful to me, his response was always anger and accusing me of having such a bad image of him that I always assumed the worst of him when his only intent was love and caring. He would get furious and he was scary. According to what he said, 100% of the time I misread him. Even though my logical mind tells me that the odds are not likely that it’s been my mistake, every time, for my whole life…. I am just drowning in self-criticism and doubt. Your note about narcissism really struck me.

        1. “Even though my logical mind tells me that the odds are not likely that it’s been my mistake, every time, for my whole life…. I am just drowning in self-criticism and doubt.” This. And it’s better when you’re doing well and you’re strong, but it’s always there, isn’t it?

            1. Everything bad that happens is my fault, too. If someone is mad at me/harms me/lies about me/rapes me then I must have done something wrong. And lying and being crazy are the next ways to make me responsible when I get angry or stuck up for myself.

              The larger issue is the way we find similar people and gather them to us, because these new people are likely to perpetuate that same model. You end up with the same message again and again, and it gets harder and harder to convince yourself that you’re worth anything at all.

              1. But you are a woman of value! You are! My afternoon is free, and I would love to enrich my life with your company. I think I’ll come over and bring cookies and tell you stories about my silly chickens. Then you have to tell me about waking up to colours and forms because that is fascinating.

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