Personal Entries

I’m troubled by this

I find this a bit troubling:

Early last night (after a week at a Texan-driven pace),  I was cooked, and so I lay down on the couch before addressing dinner.   And I might have been a bit whiny.  And pathetic.

“I’m tiiiiirred.  And there isn’t any blankey on this couch.  And my teacup is empty.   And there’s still so much to dooooo, and I’m tiiiiired.  And I can’t go grocery shopping until I shower, and I’m too whiny to shower.”

Isn’t that attractive?  Foolish children, instead of shunning me as they should, they find it really amusing when I’m like this.  They humor me.  They almost encourage my bad behavior.

Matt offered to write the grocery list, and this is what my eleven year old came up with.  Blogosphere, reading this list, wouldn’t one come to the conclusion that Matt is living in a home much like the one featured in Angela’s Ashes?  Seriously, doesn’t this list seem to suggest that the boy’s mother regularly gets her drink on?  But here’s the thing: I don’t even know what “Captain Morgan Limb Bite” is.  It sounds like something Hannibal Lector would enjoy, and so I have to assume Matt has spelled the name incorrectly.   Great, now I’m the alcoholic mother of a misguidedly thoughtful kid who can’t even spell.

38% of my son’s grocery list is alcohol.  Why?  People, I might have a couple of drinks a week, tops.

But you know what else?  This isn’t even good alcohol, and that worries me. Mike’s Hard Lemonade?  Really?  Miller Lite?  Coors Lite?  Does the boy think his mother is attending a NASCAR event at Talladega?  Has he met me?   The only alcoholic beverages the child has ever seen me consume are red wine, hard cider, and witbier.  Why?  Because I’m a beverage snob, and the highbrow or European connotations of these drinks makes me feel superior. He should know this.

Geez kid.  If you’re going to imply that your mother is an alcoholic, at least get it right.

And I never buy frozen pizzas.



137 thoughts on “I’m troubled by this

  1. The thing that troubles me is that “Lunch Stuff” is currently on my white board on the fridge lol. Maybe I should be more specific about my nutritional needs because I’m sure my lunch is much different from a child’s. 😉

  2. Hi larious!!!!! I love it. What smart offspring you have. If all children were this considerate, the world would be a better place.

  3. As a mother I laughed, and why I don’t know. I guess my 20 year old is rubbing off on me. But, I can relate cause that is what he would have done too. Kids! Great blog and I love your sense of humor.

  4. Hahaha! This is sooo cute and humorous!

    I agree will dullgeek, your son probably saw it somewhere in TV…

  5. @Isn’t that attractive? Foolish children, instead of shunning me as they should, they find it really amusing when I’m like this. They humor me. They almost encourage my bad behavior.



  6. I’m impressed that your son would write you a shopping list. But I’m curious, why did he cross off the mac and cheese? My son proved at the age of 11 that a boy can live on mac and cheese for seven straight months and still breathe. If he had written me a shopping list at that age and had the insight to include 5 different types of alcohol, I would have felt my job was done and he could move out. That might have spared me clearing the 40’s out of the fridge after the party he didn’t have at 15. You are hilarious and my sister and I want to take you for a couple of bites of Cap’n Morgan’s limbs.

  7. No, alcohol is not, nor are the answers to our problems, especially when there are children, I think with the help of a psychologist, people can overcome the fear of quitting alcohol and face the harsh reality that we all face bravely. I think to hide the failures of life or the failure of the elections through the alcohol thing does not work and neither will work, the damage is made and to accept them in one way and another, if you need professional help.

  8. That was pretty funny, but I wouldn’t make too much of it. I remember when I was a kid, I thought that all adults ever did was drink alcohol without myself knowing what alcohol really was. For some reason I just thought that grown-ups were drinking all the time for whatever reason. I didn’t know about alcoholism or anything like that, but I just associated drinking with adulthood. I’m not sure why I thought this way since I’ve never bothered to see a therapist (despite the insistence of everyone around me). Maybe that’s the idea behind this note. Pretty funny stuff though:)

  9. Very awesome! I’m so glad your post was on Freshly Pressed, so I got the morning chuckle. (I’ll also be following your blog now, your writing is too funny) Also, thanks for raising such a healthy kid. Seriously, it was such a great gesture, any way you look at it. You’re a good Momma.

  10. This is freaking hilarious! I’m at the library and came across this… I’m having to fight not to crack up out loud.

  11. Haha! I can relate. Mine made me some coffee this morning and asked if I wanted a shot with it. He’s 15 ferchrissake. I was pretty grumpy, so I guess I deserved it.

    Thanks for the great post.

  12. Yes, you are so right. Our students need MORE art. I was cut to .5 and .5 so spread out between two schools across the city in three buildings and not every child receives visual arts anymore.
    It’s the class that helps them increase perception of their world. Where they can express themselves and it’s not a number score or a graph, showing they are Below Basic or Not Proficient.

    As teachers we can over react it is true. (But you can’t ignore hints either) My own granddaughter made a Father’s Day card for my son that included his favorite drink is beer! And she was 4 at the time. I forget what she dictated for favorite food but I remember being a bit concerned about the beer until I let it go and decided it was a normal response to the question.

  13. Well, he started off with healthy intentions. Points for that. Looks like things turned south when he went to double check on the Mexican cheese.

    Very, very funny post. I’m looking forward to reading more bad-assery!

  14. I teach in a city school. I hear YOUNG children discuss alcoholic drinks, bars and although we alert the counselor there is not much one can do. Unfortunately, their experience isn’t limited to television ads or grocery lists. I have had a first grader draw martini glasses in an artwork.

    1. I can understand how things like this might seem to an educator. You and other educators are in the difficult position of trying to ensure the welfare of the children you have in your care; if you don’t read enough into a martini-glass picture, then a child might suffer. Read too much into it, though, and their family might come under unnecessary, upsetting scrutiny.

      While this was a funny incident, it is actually reflective of something I feel so strongly about….Oy. Don’t get me started! This is EXACTLY why arts programs should not be cut from schools! So much of the information we receive is visual, and kids need to learn to read and process this visual information; to fluently speak the visual language that’s being spoken to them.

      I’ve been fascinated by the way the responses to this post break into different groups: Those who find this worrisome. Those who feel this was a little child, a victim of commercials, innocently hoping to help his mom. And, those who realize I have a smart eleven year old who was trying to be funny!

      Matt wrote those things specifically because they are totally off-the-mark in my house, and in more ways than some might think! I am the queen of muting the TV to stop and ask my boys to discuss what they’ve just seen in tv shows and ads. They hate it when I do that! So many times I’ve asked them to pick apart a message an ad is giving, and question what the advertisers hope to gain by sending that message. We discuss stereotypes and photoshopping, the way people are treated and why. Matt is quite savvy about the visual images he receives, and BECAUSE we’ve discussed this type of ad so much is the very reason these items were included on the list!

      1. To me the biggest indication that the note doesn’t relfect some kind of worrisome problem is, if it did, you probably would have gotten rid of it, instead of posting it online.

        You’re a holographically gifted, sharp, quick-witted writer with an efficiency of wording that crackles right off the screen. I’ve only just barely begun to check out your jewelry.

        I’ll try to calm down now – I’m on the verge of stalking your blog here, and nobody likes that.

  15. Thanks for sharing “the list.” It shows that a son cares about him momma AND that all the money the alcohol industry is pumping into their ad campaigns IS working, albeit with the wrong demographic….or is it? Have a wonderful, SAFE Memorial Day weekend, people

  16. I am actually relieved to hear that this was written by your son in an innocent act of cheekiness… when I clicked on the link on ‘freshly pressed’ I was horrified thinking you had found this list in the street or something, and started imagining a little lad having his awful secrets tumbling out of his schoolbag and fluttering away in the wind. I had let my mind run away with itself and was hoping that his school would pick up on the obvious problem this fictional child had and got him some appropriate help before his liver became too damaged.

  17. Great post. How did the child come up with these names? He’s probably seen someone else’s shopping list? Maybe shopping lists should be age rated too like films 😀

  18. I can’t tell if I like the grocery list or the post about the grocery list more. I think the post wins. Thanks for the laugh. 🙂

  19. I think it’s pretty impressive that they spelled “Tortillas” right. I did Iron Chef: Fajitas with my preteens the other day, and the 10 year old who requested to write it on the board wrote:

    4:00-5:00: Iron Chef Toaccos & Pudding Pie

    Hey, what can I say. I encourage culture and inventive spelling.

  20. I was grocery shopping once with my 6 year-old son, walking through the beer aisle when he loudly pronounced, “dad! We should get some beer!”, as if we drink beer together. The kid won’t even drink anything carbonated.

  21. Hey, he got the orange juice and milk! And nothing wrong with Blue Moon; for adults, that is.
    So these are all products currently producing heavy ad campaigns – and your son, who I’m sure is too young to buy any of them, remembers the ads. But did you? If they’re hitting the kids but not the adults, are they a success? I think not.

  22. I am not necessarily a NASCAR kind of gal, but a redneck, oh yeah!!! Love my Corona with a lime or Blue Moon Beer. Of course it has to be in a chilled glass with a straw. Yep, that’s right a straw. Waiters and waitresses always do a double take when I ask for it!! That is the best part!!!

  23. LOL–simply hilarious! I found this under the wordpress “freshly pressed” blogs when I was signing into wordpress. Thanks for the giggle. I’m sure there aren’t any boring days in your home. 🙂

  24. I laughed so hard when I read your post. My father is a huge NASCAR fan. When I read the grocery list my first thought was NASCAR. Don’t worry I watched all the adds growing up and still haven’t bought into any of them

  25. It’s kind of funny because all of the things on his list are things that have recently come out with new advertising campaigns that they’re pushing hard.

    1. …and pushing them on ESPN, one of the only channels the boys watch! I felt that Matt was clearly doing this to tease me, and when I asked he said that, yes, he was. But you’re right, even if he was teasing me, he new what the hot new items to tease me with were.

      To give ESPN their due, the channel isn’t meant for kids. However, boys and sports…..

  26. That is really troubling!! lol! Love the crappy beer comments, but you gotta love a glass of Blue Moon with an orange!! Classy! 🙂 And I as well love hard cider…I am allergic to wheat so no beer for me ever! That’s ok with me though, I’m perfectly content with Woodchuck!!

  27. Great funny kid! Got the silent “b” at the end of Lime! LOL.
    I guess we don’t enunciate all that well when we’re whining… but he heard you say your teacup was empty… Captain Morgan reporting for tea!

    Thanks for reminding me “Out of the mouths of babes…”
    GREAT post!

  28. must be because his mom is an alcoholic and lets him watch too much tv! 🙂 Those are all very prevelant tv adds right now. Though I am thinking I want your son to make my grocery list. I buy only things that make it on the list!!!

  29. Captain Morgan’s LIME Bite sucks just as much as the rest of the alcohol your son has chosen, with the glaring exception of Blue Moon. C’mon, you may be a snob, but you’re not snob enough to not enjoy a Blue Moon.


  30. I trust my practically perfect grandson was simply entertaining his mother – and doing it well! Love him.

  31. Heya! Just randomly came across the blog..and it was such a fun read…!!
    That’s quite a list yr kid’s got there..! 😀
    I especially liked “Lunch Stuff” on the list…!! 😛

    Loved the post..funny and sweet..rolled into one..! 🙂

  32. Look at what your son watches on TV, Captin Morgans Lime Bite has commericals running and is advertising in magazines. Coors is on ESPN alot, before games, after games.

  33. Methinks that advertising agencies have done their job – and done it well. 😉

    He might not know what they mean, but writes it down anyway.

  34. He knows the essentials – milk, frozen pizza and booze. He even got the OJ and icecream. He’ll survive anywhere 🙂

    Great post. Perfect for friday reading!

  35. What’s funny is that he started on the right track — getting items necessary for a healthy diet. My pantry has a split personality as well: It has the items that my kids are allowed to eat and the “adult” items they must never eat.

  36. This is funny. He probably just got creative from watching too much TV. Those alcohol commercials don’t hide themselves from kids. Congrats on being FRESHLY PRESSED 🙂

      1. I LOVE this piece, your wicked humor and your son falling so close to the tree. Wish you were my neighbor — it would be SO MUCH FUN!

    1. I know! That’s exactly what I wondered! It’s ESPN and sports shows. I’ve already explained viagra, prostate problems, and penis enlargers to them because of the commercials the sports channels show…..I guess I’ve never covered Miller Lite!

  37. BTW, that would be Captain Morgan Lime Bite. That ‘b’ on the end of limb is just an’e’ in disguise. Bend the top of the b over and you’ll see it. Anyway it’s a real product. Look:

    If any of my boys brought that list to me, I’d wonder what exactly they were watching on TV. I assume that’s how he knows about it. And I’d wonder if my son should be watching something that has ads targeted to alcohol consumers.

    OTOH my eldest is a sports nut and I can’t stand the ads on the local sports radio station. The Men’s Club? Really? 12 year old boys are intersted in sports, too.! He’s going to have plenty of bilogical incentive to think things about women that take decades to unlearn. I really don’t need societal assistance to make that worse!

    Wow, that was a pretty serious the stream of consciousness typhoon. Sorry.

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