Vaginal walnut cracker

1 Mar

My poor dog leaks when she lies down, like a hot water bottle layed on its side with a loose stopper.

When Kita first started leaking, I took her to the veterinarian and was told that this type of incontinence is fairly common in spayed dogs.   Spaying leads to a lack of estrogen, which in turn leads to loss of muscle tone in those muscles which keep the urethra closed; hence, the leaky water bottle effect.  Additionally, before she was abandoned and spayed,  Kita had a litter of puppies, and  as everyone who has squeezed a puppy out of their culie knows,  squeezing puppies out of one’s culie can lead to a leaky culie.

Our veterinarian gave me medication for Kita, warning me that we’d need to up the dose regularly as Kita  grew accustomed to it.  No problem, except that I’m not crazy about the side effects of the medication, and so I started looking for alternatives.  If this problem stems from a lack of estrogen, I thought,  then couldn’t I find some sort of natural supplement for her?  Something without the side effects of the vet’s prescription medicine?

I researched and found loads of homeopathic supplements for leaky dog culies,  picked the one with the best reviews, and ordered it.  I’m very excited about this leaky dog culie medicine, and so when Karen came down for tea I told her all about it.  When Karen asked what the supplement was called,  I couldn’t remember, and so we Googled the same search term I had used to find it:  dog incontinence.

Up popped all the sites I had seen before, and above them the paid advertisements for sites Google had automatically matched with my search.    One of the ads caught my eye, claiming that its product “makes your kegels work!”

“I kinda thought kegels already worked.  That’s kind of the point of kegels, isn’t it?”  I ask Karen.

“Well,  maybe Kita hasn’t been doing her kegels,” Karen points out.  Karen makes good points.

I look at my dog, asleep on the floor.  “Kita, honey, you lazy, leaky thing.  You need to kegel.”

Intrigued by what might make kegels “work,” I click on the link, and up pops the Gyneflex sales site.

“Oh!”  Says Karen.

“Oh.   Ohhh!  Oh dear.  I definitely have not seen Kita using one of those, ”  I say.

“Huh,”  Karen says, as she tilts her head to one side, as if that little tilt will make sense of this device. “Do you think….?”

“….do I think you’re supposed to put that up your culie?  Um. Yeah. I do. Huh.”  Turning to Karen, I demand,  ” Did you know about this?”  Certainly, if she knew about something this interesting, she would have told me?

“No, I did not.  And, I don’t think this would help Kita.”

“No,” I agree.  “She’d need opposable thumbs  to use it.’

Below the product image and description is this button:

“Oh no.” Karen says.  She knows there is no way I can resist clicking this button.

“I HAVE TO!  It’s ANIMATED !”

 

“So it….provides resistence. “

“Uh-huh, ” I say.  ” But you could also use it to crack walnuts!  You could put the nuts right there while you kegeled.  It’s like a vaginal nut cracker.”

“You could open your soda bottles that way,” offers Karen.

“That would be handy if you get thirsty while you’re kegeling!” I say, ” or you could use it to pick up things–“

“You could use it as salad tongs!”

“Yes!  But you’d have to get up over the salad to use them that way–“

“It would be a dinnertime activity!”  Exclaims Karen.  “Thanksgiving would never be the same!”

No.  No it wouldn’t.

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3 Responses to “Vaginal walnut cracker”

  1. Jimazing March 21, 2010 at 9:38 pm #

    Oh boy! So what you are saying is that girls don’t have nuts, but they can crack them? https://vakadesign.wordpress.com/2009/06/24/girls-dont-have-nuts/

  2. Jean March 4, 2010 at 3:06 pm #

    That’s right up there (no pun intended) with “vadazzling”! Love the animated graphics…have to share this!

  3. andrea March 2, 2010 at 8:09 pm #

    I laughed out loud when I read this post. Too funny!! The animation was absolutely crucial to the post. Without the animation, I don’t think I would have REALLY gotten the right mental picture on HOW this piece of GYNOFLEX equipment truly worked. Do you think Walgreens will start carry this item in their ‘As seen on T.V.’ aisle? I hope so, because I know what to get you both for your birthdays, I am sure Val would go in with me and bring them down to you both over Spring Break. Too bad I’ll miss all the walnut cracking and salad tossing/serving. Alas, I just live too far away.

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