Where I say the word “vagina” many, many times.
With yesterday’s George Lopez show came the news that, in her new book, Jennifer Love Hewitt promotes vagazzling. There has been some question about the spelling: is it spelled with a d, or a g ? I’m falling firmly on the g side, although vadazzling is Hewitt’s term for gluing Swarovski crystals to her vagina.
Lopez’s interview is finding a lot of play on the vast internets, and the comment sections are interesting. Men seem to think vagazzling is a bit sexy. Some commenters claim that the S & M community has been vagazzling for years, just years. But no one is asking the questions that J Hew’s revelation brings to my mind.
I’m not going to get into feminist concerns and body-love issues. My concerns are more about practical considerations; about the pragmatics of walking around with your culie full o’ sparkles.
First of all, where exactly are we talking about? What part of the vagina? The front? Hewitt says that her “Precious Lady” (I kid you not. Watch the clip) looks like a “little disco ball.” I’ve tried to imagine the placement ten different ways, but it comes back to this: there are a limited amount of places near one’s vagina where one wants to glue sharp objects. If the purpose of vagazzling is to be sexy not only to oneself, but to one’s partner, then it has some serious pitfalls. Involve him, and now the sharp objects are not only a risk to your own genitals, but his as well. Now your vagina has assaulted someone. Now your Precious Lady, Jennifer, is a weapon.
Hoping to better understand the positioning of the crystals, I took the safe search off Google and prepared my eyes for the worst, and I got….nothing. If the S & M-ers have been doing this for years, then they are a very shy bunch.
If there is a standard shape in which crystals are usually attached, I figured that maybe there was a kit available. I wondered if preformed patches –like a nipple pastie– were available for purchase. Again, Google gave me nothing, and this leads me to believe that the crystals are glued to the skin individually.
So, what glue are we using? Because, let me tell you blogosphere, there is a bit of pro and con struggle when deciding on which glue to use on one’s vagina.
Something like Crazy Glue or nail glue would keep ’em on there, but a dribble in the wrong direction and you have bigger problems than whether your sparkles coordinate with your outfit. I once tried to use Crazy Glue to close a little split on the side of the nail on my big toe. I ended up with my fingers glued to my foot, and my foot glued to the kitchen counter. There was blood. I’m so glad that incident did not involve vaginas. But a strong glue would keep the crystals firmly attached, and as important as that is, how would one then get them off? I can’t think of a single good option which is vagina-friendly.
A glue made for the skin, like that used for applying false eyelashes, is a gentler option, but I’m not sure I want my crystals gently attached to my vagina. Things which are gently attached have a way of working themselves loose, and there are places on my body I don’t want crystals finding their way into. And, back to the partner issue, knowing crystals might come loose during sex is not relaxing, nor is it exciting in a danger-and-thrills-turn-you-on kind of way. I also don’t want to walk around leaving crystals in my path, a la Hansel and Gretl’s breadcrumbs. Sparkly culie crumbs? That’s not sexy.
These are my concerns. This is what I worry about as the internets begin their frenzied discussion of Jennifer Love Hewitt’s “little disco ball” revelation. I wonder how many times, in the coming weeks, the news will feature stories of emergency room drama involving Swarovski crystals and Crazy Glue. I wonder how long it will take Swarovski to issue a statement saying they don’t endorse this use of their product. I wonder how long until premade vagazzle-patches are available for purchase in various colors and patterns.
And I wonder how much they’re going to cost, and whether I can get one to go with all my favorite outfits.