Like a little disco ball

16 Jan

Where I say the word “vagina” many, many times.

With yesterday’s George Lopez show came the news that, in her new book, Jennifer Love Hewitt promotes vagazzling.  There has been some question about the spelling: is it spelled with a d, or a g ?  I’m falling firmly on the g side, although vadazzling is Hewitt’s term for gluing Swarovski crystals to her vagina.

Lopez’s interview is finding a lot of play on the vast internets, and the comment sections are interesting.  Men seem to think vagazzling is a bit sexy.  Some commenters claim that the S & M community has been vagazzling for years, just years. But no one is asking the questions that J Hew’s revelation brings to my mind.

I’m not going to get into feminist concerns and body-love issues.  My concerns are more about practical considerations; about the pragmatics of walking around with your culie full o’ sparkles.

First of all, where exactly are we talking about?  What part of the vagina?  The front?  Hewitt says that her “Precious Lady” (I kid you not. Watch the clip) looks like a “little disco ball.”  I’ve tried to imagine the placement ten different ways, but it comes back to this:  there are a limited amount of places near one’s vagina where one wants to glue sharp objects.  If the purpose of vagazzling is to be sexy not only to oneself, but to one’s partner, then it has some serious pitfalls.  Involve him, and now the sharp objects are not only a risk to your own genitals, but his as well.  Now your vagina has assaulted someone.  Now your Precious Lady, Jennifer, is a weapon.

Hoping to better understand the positioning of the crystals, I took the safe search off Google and prepared my eyes for the worst, and I got….nothing.  If the S & M-ers have been doing this for years, then they are a very shy bunch.

If there is a standard shape in which crystals are usually attached, I figured that maybe there was a kit available.   I wondered if preformed patches –like a nipple pastie– were available for purchase.    Again, Google gave me nothing, and this leads me to believe that the crystals are glued to the skin individually.

So, what glue are we using?  Because, let me tell you blogosphere, there is a bit of pro and con struggle when deciding on which glue to use on one’s vagina.

Something like Crazy Glue or nail glue would keep ’em on there, but a dribble in the wrong direction and you have bigger problems than whether your sparkles coordinate with your outfit. I once tried to use Crazy Glue to close a little split on the side of the nail on my big toe.  I ended up with my fingers glued to my foot,  and my foot glued to the kitchen counter.  There was blood.  I’m so glad that incident did not involve vaginas.   But a strong glue would keep the crystals firmly attached, and as important as that is, how would one then get them off? I can’t think of a single good option which is vagina-friendly.

A glue made for the skin, like that used for applying false eyelashes, is a gentler option, but I’m not sure I want my crystals gently attached to my vagina.  Things which are gently attached have a way of working themselves loose, and there are places on my body I don’t want crystals finding their way into.   And, back to the partner issue,  knowing crystals might come loose during sex is not relaxing,  nor is it exciting in a danger-and-thrills-turn-you-on kind of way.  I also don’t want to walk around leaving crystals in my path, a la Hansel and Gretl’s breadcrumbs.  Sparkly culie crumbs?  That’s not sexy.

These are my concerns.  This is what I worry about as the internets begin their frenzied discussion of Jennifer Love Hewitt’s “little disco ball” revelation.  I wonder how many times, in the coming weeks, the news will feature stories of emergency room drama involving Swarovski crystals and Crazy Glue.  I wonder how long it will take Swarovski to issue a statement saying they don’t endorse this use of their product.  I wonder how long until premade vagazzle-patches are available for purchase in various colors and patterns.

And I wonder how much they’re going to cost, and whether I can get one to go with all my favorite outfits.

www.vakadesign.com

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19 Responses to “Like a little disco ball”

  1. Pinkgem February 5, 2010 at 5:21 pm #

    Where can I buy vagazzle stones?

  2. Renee Barrenechea February 3, 2010 at 12:34 am #

    I discovered your web site when I was looking for something not related at all, but this post was one of the first sites listed in Google, your site must be insanely popular! Continue the awesome job!

  3. Carla January 18, 2010 at 1:00 am #

    Well I say lets just “stick” with piercings (PUN intended!) of our “Precious Ladies”..and then that gives you another market to sell your beautiful jewelry to! lol

    • vakadesign January 18, 2010 at 9:46 am #

      Carla, you’re a genius! You’ll get a 10% cut of all vagina jewelry I sell!

  4. andrea January 18, 2010 at 12:38 am #

    Katie,
    No this will not end well. Very valid concerns on this particular issue, by the bogshpere. Marketing comes to my mind immediately. Will the store Claire’s have a section for our preeteens and teens with all the items and directions you will need to obtain the perfect disco ball by vagazzling your hoo-hoo,culie, potato, rug,(or will you need a Brazillan wax prior to), hair-pie, etc. I am sure there are many other names for our Precious Lady, however, I digress. I am somewhat disappointed to hear JLH talk about the five things that she says each night to herself to boost her self-esteem and feels her booty and her foray into vagazzling make it on her list. Whatever happened to feeling good about yourself because you called an old friend, read a great book that inspired you to do something that would enrich your life. Well, I won’t be breaking out the hot glue gun anytime soon or buy any type of crystals to achieve a disco ball. Question, do you hang the dico ball from your tampon string or?????? I need an answer. Beuller….Beuller…. Beuller….?

  5. Loll January 17, 2010 at 9:24 am #

    Swarovski sells stick-on crystal “tattoes” at their shop here in The Hague – at least they did about a year ago. Like peel-off candy you can stick to your skin. Of course, with this interview hitting the airwaves and the internet, said stick-ons are probably sold out.

    P.S. I have never asked where Swarovski recommends these crystals be applied.

  6. The Expatresse January 17, 2010 at 6:49 am #

    I saw the link on Huffington Post and thought it was funny (as in odd).

    I assumed the Precious Lady had been to Brazil and that the jewels were landing strip replacement.

    But Jen hasn’t shown hers to me, so I dunno.

    • vakadesign January 17, 2010 at 1:49 pm #

      Oh yes, there must to be some prep work involved before turning one’s culie into a human pave’ setting.

  7. Sam January 16, 2010 at 11:59 pm #

    Youch! I don’t even want to think about a super glue situation.
    Ha. Hot fix crystals would be even worse!

    And I never really wanted to know that much about JLH’s hoo hoo.

    • vakadesign January 17, 2010 at 1:49 pm #

      Hot fix crystals….OUCH! Alright, that made me wince in sympathy pain.

  8. Carla January 16, 2010 at 11:19 pm #

    intri-glued to the idea

  9. Carla January 16, 2010 at 11:18 pm #

    intrigued. lol

  10. Carla January 16, 2010 at 11:18 pm #

    I dunno….I’m kinda intriqued

  11. Jean January 16, 2010 at 9:29 pm #

    I was laughing like a hyena as I read this and then like Jenny I too found I had protectively crossed my legs by the end of the reading….I’m anti-vagazzling! What if something did unglue during sex and someone got hurt or it did become lodged where it shouldn’t…how do you explain that to a physician?

    • vakadesign January 17, 2010 at 1:51 pm #

      EXACTLY! Worse than explaining how you got that poison ivy on your privates…….

  12. Jenny January 16, 2010 at 6:10 pm #

    I discovered, by the time I’d read that to the end, that I had crossed my legs protectively. Youch, I don’t think I’m going to be a leading light (ha ha) in the field of vagazzling!

    • vakadesign January 17, 2010 at 1:53 pm #

      It just doesn’t sound like it’s going to end well, does it?

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