So. My torch burst into flames, and I think I’m done working for the day. Not flames coming from the torch where they’re supposed to come from the torch, but just general flames. Like a ball of fire, and that, blogosphere, is not the way torches are supposed to work. No, sir!
On the upside, I now know the answer to the question people everywhere are always asking themselves: “What would you do if something you were holding suddenly burst into flames?”
You throw the f**ker. Just toss it across your studio. And as soon as it lands, it occurs to you that this could get much, much worse, very quickly. And then you think, “F**K! I never bought a fire extinguisher!” And then you grab a huge sketch pad, scoop up the fireball, run outside and fling it into the front yard, saying “f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck!”
And while you are doing all this, your children have instantly gathered –so quickly it might be magic– upon hearing the work “F*ck!” And they pepper you with questions as you scoop up the fireball and run from the house.
“Mom, why did you say f*ck?”
“Matt, you said f*ck! You can’t say f*ck!”
“Mom said it! Mom why did you say– Is that on fire?”
“Why is your torch on fire? Is that why you said f*ck?”
“Riii! You yelled at me when I said f*ck, and you just said it!”
“Is it supposed to do that?”
“Be careful, Mom! What happened?!”
“Where are you going?”
“She’s throwing it! Oh, COOL!”
One would think it impossible to ask this many questions in what couldn’t have been more than ten seconds, but with Bob as my witless, it can be done. Anyone who has met my children will attest to their mad skillz with the questioning.
But the best part is that it’s two Sundays before Christmas, and so several neighbors are outside putting up their Christmas lights as you emerge from your house saying “f*ck,f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck,” to toss a flaming object into the yard, where it explodes when it hits the ground. And, bless them, they are so used to seeing you do things like this that it doesn’t even phase them, and after the flames subside, they wave and call out, “Hey Katie! How you doing?”
I’m doing well, thanks.