Four words for you: teenager on muscle relaxers.
To begin, I’ll tell you right away that everyone is ok. I realize I need to do this because I didn’t start this way when I called Mike to tell him Jake had been in a car accident. In retrospect, Mike was surprisingly calm as we discussed thousands of dollars worth of car damage, and I think this can be attributed to scaring the shit out of him first. I need to remember how well that worked, and do it on purpose next time.
So Jake had an accident, and has a wee bit of whiplash. Just a tetch, but did you know that when you have whiplash the pain flares up after you’ve run eight miles? I didn’t know this, because who in their right mind runs eight miles anyway? Jake tells me that while one runs with whiplash, it isn’t painful because the adrenaline rush blocks the pain. It’s only after one stops running eight miles that the pain returns, and with a vengeance. And why is he running eight miles a day with whiplash? Because it’s necessary. The Conference meet is tomorrow, and so it is necessary and reasonable to run long distances with whiplash.
A reasonable person would not calmly explain this to me. Reasonable people do not use the words “adrenaline,” “whiplash,” and “run eight miles” in the same sentence. Only distance runners and the very twisted do that. This is why it’s so easy to confuse heroin addicts with distance runners: they are both built like emaciated noodles, and both have a slightly crazed look in their eyes.
After Jake’s cross country practice last night he was in a lot of pain, and the pain only made him tighten his neck and shoulders more. Late in the evening I convinced him to take a muscle relaxer, and blogosphere, I swear I told him to take no more than a half, tops.
About a half hour later he started giggling over the show we were watching. It was NCIS, and the poor dead Marine de jour had died by drinking liquid nitrogen, which is not funny. Then Jake started having a heartfelt conversation with the dog about what it’s like to be a dog. Loudly.
“Dude,” I said, “what is up?”
Jake suddenly stood up and his legs wobbled beneath him. Laughing, he fell back onto the couch. “Wow,” he said, “those muscle relaxers are powerful!” More laughing.
“Um, Jake? How much did you take?”
“Two whole ones?”
“Yeah. Isn’t that right?”
“Yeah, that’s right. If you’re a large camel. Or a rampaging elephant.”
More belly-shaking laughter, and then he started talking to the dog again.
“Kita, ” he asked our dog, ” did you ever take too many muscle relaxers? If you did, you could store them in your hump. But you don’t have a hump, because you’re not a camel.” And turning back to me, ” Can elephants even have rabies?”
“Rampaging, honey, the elephants were rampaging, not rabid. Sweetie, I think you should go to bed now.”
Jake is always gone when I come downstairs at seven in the morning to get his younger brothers ready for school. Not today, though, and the muscle relaxers had not yet worn off.
“Mom,” he informed me as I walked into the kitchen, “I gained time! I got up at 6:10, took a shower and shaved, and when I got back in my room it was still 6:10.”
“Honey, do you know what time it is?”
“I got downstairs early at 6:20, so I made myself a good breakfast.”
“Jake,” I said, “you know school is starting right now, right?”
“I gained time!” he again exclaimed, very pleased with his new time management skills. I decided that maybe he shouldn’t go to school yet.
Jake plunked himself down at the table with his brothers, and asked if he could have a bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich, too, because he hadn’t had time for breakfast. I made them all breakfast and tea, and as Riley took the first sip of his tea, Jake shouted, happily, “Maybe that tea has cocaine in it!”
Nope, muscle relaxers definitely hadn’t worn off yet. But they did soon, and abruptly so. When I returned to the kitchen after getting the other two on their buses, Jake was grimacing in pain. “Wow. The muscle relaxers wore off about twenty minutes ago. Should I take another before I go to school?”
I love him so much.
Um, no. I do not think he should take more muscle relaxers before school.