We’re going to talk about pornography, so anyone with the last name of McCloskey or O’Dea and who is over eighty might not want to read this. Because everyone knows that older people, especially the Irish Catholics, are very delicate, they’ve never had sex, and their children were divinely created, Amen.
Last week I was browsing through blogs, looking for those which might be a good fit on which to advertise my jewelry, when I came across a reference to Ron Jeremy’s new pornographic comedy thriller, “One Eyed Monster.” I went investigating.
The film’s promo:
When a ferocious blizzard strands the cast and crew of an adult film shoot, the ragtag band of eccentric heroes must band together against a mysterious and deadly alien menace which has literally possessed the casts largest member — Ron Jeremy.
After slaying Ron, his detached penis embarks on a spree of carnal carnage on a colossal scale. With the help of a half-crazed Vietnam vet (Russ Meyer legend Charles Napier), haunted by his own wartime experience with this alien fiend, the race is on to trap and destroy this penile predator before there are more victims of its vicious, utterly unique method of murder.
Starring adult film legends Ron Jeremy & Veronica Hart and Buffy The Vampire Slayer pin-up Amber Benson, One Eyed Monster is an outrageous and spectacular homage to the classic sci-fi horror of “Alien” and “The Thing”. Its also a thrilling, throbbing, thoroughly depraved comedy which dares to invade the parts other aliens can only dream of!
Blogosphere, did you know about this? I did not, and anything that has “his detached penis embarks…, ” in its description is something that is worth a second look. Because detached penises rarely embark on anything, and I’m curious to see how that goes.
Ron Jeremy’s success baffles me. I know, I know, as he says in the trailer, “nine-and-three-quarters.” I get it. Well, I get it in theory, but I wouldn’t want to get it physically, and so he’s a nonstarter in my fantasy life.
First of all, ouch. A nine-and-three-quarters inch long penis is something most couples would need to work around, because that’s a really big honkin’ penis, and ….ouch. Seriously, ouch, and just thinking about it makes me want to cross my legs and cry. Judging from the movie’s trailer, I’m not the only one who’s considered a nine-and-three-quarters inch long penis in this way, and I’m glad to see the pornography industry addressing Ron Jeremy’s penis as the weapon it might be if it fell into the wrong hands.
Second, ew. And that’s what really baffles me. It’s Ron Jeremy. My response to Ron Jeremy would not be “Hey baby, why don’t you drop them drawers and share?” My response would be to go looking for a pot big enough to boil him in, because he’s kind of gross.
I’m sure Ron Jeremy is a lovely man. In fact, I’ve never heard a porn star interviewed who didn’t sound like a nice person who just really enjoys having sex with many different people while being filmed. I worry about their self-esteem, but if you boiled them a little bit, removed the implants, and put them in clothes which actually covered their genitals, they’d look like anyone else. Except for Ron Jeremy. He will always look like a very sleazy plumber who suggests there are multiple ways you could pay your bill, or a porn star who has rocketed to fame based on the size of his penis.
I can’t think of many things which titillate me less than Ron Jeremy, and yet I might need to see a movie where a detached monster penis communicates in Morse Code.