Personal Entries

Beluga testicles

My sons have always been very impressed with their genitals.  It borders on the ridiculous, although I’m sure most men started out similarly.

In the case of my youngest, he’s had years of his older brothers setting the standard for how much one should congratulate oneself for being born with a penis, although I think he would have figured this out himself.  My oldest was barely three and without older brothers to clue him in when he wrapped his arms around my neck and said, “Mommy, I’m sorry you don’t have a penis.”   He was so sad for me.

As little boys, they’d look down in the bathtub and start cackling with laughter, pointing to their penises.  Getting dressed was cause for hilarity.  It’s still there!  Isn’t that awesome?  Look!  Really, look Mom!

Yup, still there, still awesome.

As they grew older I began with indulgent eye-rolling and head shaking.  Older still and I whittled down to just eye-rolling.

“Dude,”  I said to each of them in turn, ” it’s not that I’m not happy for you.  Trust me, I’m over-the-moon-thrilled that you were so clever to be born with a Y chromosome and all its accoutrements.  But I’ve seeeen it.  I’ve slapped about five thousand diapers on that hienie over the years.  I got a good look.  I’ll let you know if I have further need of a view.  And honestly?  No one else, ever, for the rest of your life, will be quite as enthralled with your penis as you are, so you might want to keep it in your pants.”

And after that, the genital fascination moved to the periphery of my life. Luckily, they had brothers with whom they could unabashedly share their enthusiasm.

Large parts of my younger boys’ days are spent discussing “nuts.” Whether the nuts have been kicked, whether clothing constrains the nuts.  Who is missing their nuts, and what further euphemisms can be ascribed to nuts.

My two youngest are often like Peter Sellers’ Inspector Clouseau, and Cato, but if Clouseau and Cato were puppies.  They try to kill or maim each other during most waking hours, and they can’t be in the same room without pouncing on each other.  It’s friendly, except when it’s not.

I was in my studio when the wrestling started.

“Oh, MY NUTS!”

“Aww, you don’t have any nuts, Matt,” said Riley, cheerfully.

“Yes I do!  They’re right here!   RightHere!  Ow!  I poked my nuts too hard!”

“Matt.  I told you, you don’t have any nuts.”

“Yes I do.  SEE!”

Oh.  Good.  Lord.  The child has dropped trou to present his nuts, hasn’t he?  I know without looking.  It’s difficult to concentrate when this is going on in the next room.

“Ohhhhhh, Matt.  I didn’t need to see that,”  said Riley,  “and those aren’t nuts.”

“Yes they are. It’s my MANLINESS!”

“That’s not your manliness!  Those are like caterpillar balls.”   The crashing sounds have begun again.

“They’re like COW BALLS!”  Yells Matt. Cow balls?  “My nuts are HUGE!”

“You don’t have nuts,” repeats Riley, cheerfully.  More slamming.


“Matt, aren’t belugas a whale?”

“Yes,” I interject from my studio.  “The boy has just referred to his testicles as small whales.”

Matt is laughing so hard I can barely understand him. “MY BELUGAS. THEY’RE  HUUUGE!”

There is entirely too much testosterone in my house.

Unconvinced of existence of brother's testicles
Unconvinced of existence of brother's testicles


6 thoughts on “Beluga testicles

  1. As a father and grand-father, I have also been witness to our boys and their friends using public restrooms. Usually with trousers on the floor at the urinal… All I ask of them is, “Aren’t we supposed to keep our butts covered?”, to remind them of the concept of public modesty, which is probably forgotten most of the time…
    And as far as their conversations go, we always seem to have to remind them we are in public and to keep it down…
    Usually by the age of seven or eight, it starts to take hold with exposure to school and other kids with much more direct comments on public behavior.
    However, at home, you never know what they are going to say next…

  2. omg that is so honest tho: “I like it when they bounce. I don’t know why, I just do.” a lot can be learned from this!

  3. Just think in a few years they will go from, how did you put it?…oh yes, “genetically wired to be very impressed with the lumps of flesh protruding from their bodies.” To being very impressed with lumps of flesh protruding from the bodies of women. Then you’ll be wishing for the good old days.

    1. They already are! During last years’ olympics the two younger were very very interested in women’s gymnastics. Like, mesmerized by it. I asked why….. “I like it when they bounce. I don’t know why, I just do.” They crack me up!

  4. That’s why you have to hold on to the lipstick and perfume so tight — otherwise the flood of manliness might just sweep you away!!

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