Canada, I can’t even look at you.
I was raised by the hippies, and man they were literate. My Mom had her degree in English, and my Dad in Russian Literature (a very, very useful degree, I must say). They were articulate people, and felt that accents were simply mispronunciations. With that system of anal retentiveness in place, my sister and I spent large parts of our childhood in New Jersey and Philadelphia and escaped both those accents. Anything we picked up during our summers in Maine was alright, for some complicated reason.
When I travel, my lack of accent has led many to ask if I am Canadian, and I’ve always felt secretly pleased about this. Not because I’m ashamed of my own country, but because Canada was cool, and I’m snotty enough to enjoy being defined as vaguely international. It seems racy and a bit mysterious, and if there are two things I’d like to be and am not, they are racy and mysterious.
But now I know that being Canadian is to be a non contest-entering kill joy. And that is not racy and mysterious. Not one entry, Canada. Not one. After all these years of affection, and….nothing. Maybe others have always known this about you, and when they confused me with a Canadian it was because, specifically, I was not racy and mysterious at all.
I’ve decided I’m going to handle this as an elementary school teacher would, by focusing on the better behavior of your classmates.
Australia, I love the way you are behaving. You joined my contest so nicely, and I appreciate that. Over half the entries were from Australia, and now I know that you are very, very good at insulting things. You were creative and prolific in your condemnation. You applied yourself and you did beautifully, and I am proud of your level of achievement and hope that you are proud of yourself, too. You deserve recognition.
The remainder of April will be Australia Month at Vaka Design. If your mailing address is in Australia, you may have a 10% discount and free shipping on anything you purchase at www.vakadesign.com through the end of April, including custom work. Your 10% will be refunded via PayPal after purchase, because I don’t know how to do it any other way. I only want this sale to be for you, Australia, because you are the best insulters, far better than other nations which will go unnamed.
So, my little Australian ducklings, go and tell your Mom, and your sister and your Auntie. Tell them in your lovely Aussie accent that there are pretties just for them. But don’t tell the Canadians, because I’m a bit put out with them.