Damn Cat Sex

3 Mar
Life companion of The Cat

Life companion of The Cat

I changed my mind.  I need to share.

I do not like cats, but one lives in my house.  He’s a horrible creature.   A neighborhood girl once wrote an essay about this cat, and sent it into a competition for most horrible cat.  She won a trophy.  Swear. To. God.

My youngest son wanted a little orange cat for who-knows-how-long, and being a personable little guy, he told everyone who would listen.  Oh!  Look at the cute little boy with freckles and big eyes!  All he wants is a kitty to love! The cute little boy with freckles and big eyes already had a family dog and his own guinea pig and a tank full of fish, and I didn’t want a cat.   But, several years ago, a well-intentioned neighbor brought us a tiny little orange kitten she found on a local trail, because she thought of my sweet boy when she found it.  The kitten could barely walk and was far too young to be away from his mama, and I felt so good about saying we would keep him for the night because I was fairly sure he wouldn’t make it.  I would get credit for being kind and caring for an animal in need, and yet I would not end up the owner of a cat.  I didn’t want him to die, but really didn’t see how he could make it.

Uh huh.

Three years later, and I have a cat who is held dear by my son and the two women in the neighborhood who have PhD’s in psychology.  One of these women actually installed a doorbell for the cat on her back door, and taught him to use it.  It makes her sad when he attacks her if she removes him from her bed to send him home.  She wishes she could cuddle him. Seriously. Think about this before you return to therapy.

One of the creepiest things about the cat is the way he involuntarily tries to nurse when he sleeps.  My son doesn’t mind, and finds it endearing to have the cat sleep on his chest and suck on his blankets.  He’s learned to hold still so the the cat doesn’t get angry and bite him when he breathes too deeply.

I don’t care for this.  I have rules about things sleeping on top of me, sucking on me in my sleep.  Maybe this is why I’m single, but I do think it’s a healthy boundary I’ve set for myself.

Last night I mistakenly shut my bedroom door before I went to sleep.   If the cat can come and go, then he and I have a working arrangement where he may be on my bed if he agrees to stay down by my feet.  Sometimes I wake in the middle of the night and he is sitting over me, staring, and this does make me nervous.  But, last night I blew the peace and shut the door. I woke in the middle of the night to him barreling his little orange body against my door with such force I thought one of the kids was throwing themselves against it.  I opened the door and in he strode, with his sex bear in his teeth.  No. We are not having cat/bear lovin’ going on in my room in the middle of the night.

The sex bear is an old unclothed bear from Build-A-Bear which serves as… life companion to the cat.   The cat and I have an arrangement about this, as well.  What the cat does behind closed doors is his own business, but he and the bear must have a private relationship.  Don’t ask, don’t tell. There is no point throwing the bear away, as the cat will only find a new stuffed sex toy, and I like knowing that only one thing in my house fills this need.  I took the bear gingerly by the ear, and tossed it into my bathroom and shut the door.

Oh dear. I really thought the cat might hurt himself as he threw himself against the bathroom door again and again.  And I wouldn’t get any sleep.  I retrieved the bear and washed my hands.  And for the next several hours the cat vacillated between attempting to nurse on the blankets by my face (and getting knocked off the bed for it), and making the sweet, sweet love to the naked  Build-A-Bear on my floor, freaky sounds included.  It was worse than sharing a room with a slightly slutty roommate  in college, and I woke feeling dirty and angry that the cat has the best sex life of anyone I know.

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11 Responses to “Damn Cat Sex”

  1. vociferousgalli May 30, 2010 at 8:10 am #

    Too funny! I am up every morning at 5:30 because Gus, my tuxedo cat, decides to get onto my nightstand and knock everything off one-by-one.

  2. angirach May 29, 2010 at 5:44 pm #

    Refreshing to find someone who’s genuinely funny. LOL.

  3. thomaschalfant May 29, 2010 at 12:21 pm #

    Now this is getting scary. Not only did I read this right after commenting on the last one – I said You. Are. Killing me. And then saw up there you wrote Swear. To. God. Eerie similarity.

    But an even more eerie similarity – we have a cat just like that. He likes to fornicate with a big, stuffed monkey, and he even has his own favorite positions.

    I have a picture of this occuring, but you know, I’m not 100% convinced you’d want me posting it. The monkey looks a little bit sad.

  4. ɹǝƃƃolquǝʞoʇ December 16, 2009 at 9:18 am #

    ha ha ha…awesome

  5. nightman1 May 24, 2009 at 9:11 am #

    In light of this post I believe you might enjoy my “Caliente Cats”:

    http://nightman1.wordpress.com/2008/08/10/caliente-cats/

    an observation seemingly conducted with near-scientific detachment, yet I fear not unmixed with a certain amount of envy of all that intense feline abandon.

  6. candice April 28, 2009 at 7:09 am #

    i’m crying… you’re killing me here! ;D

  7. Sue March 7, 2009 at 9:08 am #

    I hope you don’t mind, but your sister posted a comment on my friends blog with a reference to this story and I just can’t stop laughing. I just read it to my husband and when I showed him the picture of the bear, our little 18 pound beagle (who was sitting in his lap) picked up her head and stared at that bear so intently. I think it’s the bear’s fault. She’s a seductress, a temptress, that naked build a bear.

    • vakadesign March 7, 2009 at 10:00 am #

      The Build-A-Bear mojo is mighty and far reaching!

  8. Amy March 7, 2009 at 12:39 am #

    This is insanely funny and yucky at the same time. I love the whole thing. My dog has his “bitch” too. We call him Turty. He’s a turtle. Sometimes I feel as I am a party to a serial rapist. That being my Pomeranian…

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

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