“Babe, I walked for an hour in one direction, and an hour and a half in the other, and no sea glass for you.” My Mom has just scoured the beaches near her home in The Netherlands for me, and I do appreciate this. I asked if she would do this because I thought setting some seaglass from The Netherlands would be incredibly cool.
“All that Dutch beer in green bottles, ” she continues, “and the Dutch can’t break a bottle and throw it in the ocean?”
“Well, maybe they’re very environmentally conscious, the Dutch.”
“Let me tell you about THAT,” says my mother. “When I walked an hour and a half to the left I came to a nude beach that was all men! Nude men everywhere! As I came up on it I was thinking ‘well, there are a lot of nude-colored bathing suits up ahead,’ and then when I got there, there weren’t any suits at all!”
My mother is very animated, and clearly tickled by her own badassary of walking calmly through swarms of naked Dutch men.
“They were very friendly!”
“I’m sure they were.” I say. “But were they men who should be nude, or more ‘oh honey, I wish you weren’t so nude right now’ ? “
“Oh no,” my mother says emphatically, “Absolutely. These guys should be nude.”
“Well, that is great! ” I say. Worse things can happen in your day than stumbling upon a beach of attractive naked Dutch men.
“But the odd thing, the oddest thing–”
“Odder than my mother hanging out with a bunch of naked Dutch guys?”
“Yes, but the odd thing,” she doesn’t break stride because, clearly, we’ve arrived at the main titillation, “back from the water–in the dunes–I kept seeing naked Dutch men popping up and looking around–”
“Like naked Dutch jack-in-the-boxes?”
“Exactly. Nothing but dunes, and then a naked man would stand up, look around, and disappear. I don’t think they were sunbathing back there.”
“Huh,” I say. “You don’t know, maybe they just wanted to get out of the wind. ”
“I don’t know,” she says, dragging out the three words to imply that she does not think the wind was the reason for Dutch dune jack-in-the-box.
” But,” she continues, “Long story short. One: no seaglass for you, babe. And two: lots of naked Dutch men.”
“Well, thanks for that.”
“You’re welcome, babe.”